I’ve been teaching communication skills for ten years and this simple fact is one of the key lessons. My hope is for people to become more self-aware, to really think about what they want to accomplish and how they approach what they’re doing, so the impact (the outcome) of their actions is in fact what they hope to have happen.
Let’s consider a couple of examples:
It’s late evening and you are driving through the dark. There’s not a lot of traffic on the road, and to see better you have turned on your “brights.” As you travel along the road, somewhat lost in thought, your focus is pulled back in full to the road ahead, as there is a driver coming toward you in the opposite lane, flashing his brights at you, trying to capture your attention, so you will flip your lights back to normal.
If you are the oncoming driver, what’s the first thing you think?
“Jerk! What are you trying to do? Don’t you realize you are blinding me?”
If you are the “offending” driver, what’s the first thing you think?
“Oh!” you think, quickly flipping your lights back to normal. “I didn’t mean to do that. Sorry!” Wishing you could telepathically send this message to the oncoming driver, so they understand it was not your intent to temporarily blind them!
Here’s another, heart-wrenchingly harder example to consider, from an actual incident in the local news.
On September 1, a four-year old girl died in a car outside a day care center. As the story goes, the day care was owned by a husband and wife. On occasion, the husband would provide transportation for one of their clients, picking up a mother and child, dropping the mother off at a local university, and taking the child to the day care for the day.
On this particular day, for what is an incomprehensible reason (there has been no explanation given that I’m aware of), the man dropped the mom off, drove to the day care, and left the child in the car…for about seven hours, on a sunny, 89-degree day. The child was found dead in the car around 5 p.m.
Clearly, there is no way for us to know what he might have been thinking – or not thinking – as he arrived at the day care, went inside, and went about the business of his day. We have no way of knowing why no one in the day care asked about the child when he arrived without her. Having not been to the location, we have no way of knowing if there might have been someone outside who might have seen the girl in the car earlier in the day.
Of course, we are outraged that such a thing could have happened, and as we are not personally involved, will likely never know all of the things that happened that day, what the people may have thought or said or did. And yet, this story isn’t unique. We hear this kind of story more frequently than we’d like, with both children and animals paying the ultimate price.
We could easily jump into blame, anger, accusations, cries for justice, etc…Let’s stay focused now, though. We’re talking about intent. In both the situations described above, I think it’s safe to argue that neither of these people intended harm to another. The outcome – or the impact – of their actions, however, did in fact result in some negative impact to the others involved — to a very minor degree in the first case, and to a life-altering and inexplicably tragic degree in the second case.
Fortunately, most of our experiences will tend toward the less extreme end of the spectrum of potential outcomes. The key here is to understand the lesson — intent does not equal impact – and to be thoughtful about our words and actions. The goal is to be self-aware enough of how others may perceive and experience us, so that when we interact with others, we have a better chance of having what we intend to happen actually be what does happen.
What are you intending to do today? How might you approach it to ensure the outcome is positive?
