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Another simple, yet powerful question

So often, as we consider various actions and options, we ask “Can I?”

I don’t know about you, but I find that to be a very limiting question. It assumes there is a yes or a no answer. Are you able or are you not? Do you have permission, resources, etc…?

It’s very black and white. I have come to realize that I prefer to live more in the gray areas. You know, those places where the answer to most questions is “It depends,” because there are so many variables to consider.

What if we changed the question to “How can I?”

How can I?

Asking “how can I?” assumes that whatever you want to do is, in fact, possible. It may take some focused brainpower, some innovation, some reflection, some consideration of ideas you may not have wanted to pursue…it may take you to some uncomfortable places and cause you to need to learn something new…but, it assumes whatever you want to do is possible.

In the early 1990’s, I was single, lived alone in a small, one-bedroom apartment, and worked in a credit union. I had been looking at and wanting some furniture — a sofa and oversized chair and ottoman — for several years, but never felt I could afford. One day, I was in the furniture store’s clearance center and saw one of the chairs there. I sent me into a brief panic, thinking that line was being closed out and would no longer be available when I eventually felt I could afford to buy it.

For several years, I had been looking at purchasing this furniture in the “can I?” mode.

I was suddenly very motivated to do some real research. I discovered it wasn’t being closed out; I could still order it. I discovered when the next significant sale would be. I worked out a plan to have the pieces I wanted delivered to a location near where I lived (the store I was shopping in was nearly 4 hours from my home), and found someone with a truck and trailer who could pick it up. I spent a lot of time considering my finances and what I was willing to do differently with respect to spending and saving and planning.

I had shifted gears into “how can I?” mode. And this made all the difference.

I’m not saying it happened overnight, was easy, and required no sacrifice on my part, but it happened. Several months after seeing the chair in the clearance center, I was lounging comfortably on my new sofa, next to my beautiful oversized chair, which just barely fit into my tiny apartment. I loved that furniture til the day I donated it to a local mission a number of years later (big changes in my life, resulted in new furniture needs!).

I realize this is a pretty simplistic — and insignificant — example of how using this question can change your perspective, your ingenuity, your creativity, and your outcomes, but it represents the concept well enough, I think.

Let me know how asking “HOW can I?” is changing your life.

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Defining success…and what it’s worth

I have a lot of conversations with friends, clients, colleagues, and sometimes even strangers, about what success means to them. These are educated, motivated, hard-working, individuals who would appear — from the outside and based on what society seems to define as success — to be successful. They hold good jobs in interesting fields, earn good salaries, live in nice places, are able to vacation, wear nice clothes, etc…

Frequently, however, I find that when I ask them what success means to them, they don’t have an answer. For some, it is money, nice house, nice car, latest fashion, ability to mingle with all the “right” people, attend the “right” events…for others, it’s just the opposite. They want to be successful, but struggle with the idea that it means all of the material things, with which they are uncomfortable.

This topic got me thinking about a wedding I was in nearly 20 years ago. I lived nearly 1200 miles from the bride (a dear friend from 4th grade!) and groom, so I knew only one other person in the bridal party (also a friend since 4th grade). Not too long after the wedding, my friend shared a story about one of the groomsmen and his wife. He worked in sales and I believe she was a homemaker. They had a couple of kids, big, nice house (no small feat in Southern California, even 20 years ago), new cars…all the great things money could buy, right? They were getting divorced. The wife was complaining that the husband was never home, didn’t help with the kids, didn’t pay enough attention to her, didn’t do things around the house, etc. You’ve heard this story, right? Turns out, it was true…but why? Well, his response was, “I have to work these kinds of hours to earn the money to pay for all this stuff!” So, while he earned a nice living and could afford to keep them in style, he couldn’t be home to share and enjoy any of it. In the end, it cost his marriage and his family. Was it worth it? Only they can answer that question, but from my perspective, probably not!

Further along this train of thought, I think about how there are so many in our society caught up in this kind of a mess…working hard to earn money for nice houses, cars, things, and when we earn more money, we aren’t satisfied with what we already have, so we upgrade…and then we have to keep working harder and longer hours to make more money to support all the stuff that we no longer have the time or energy to enjoy!

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be on that train! I’m rethinking and redefining what success means to me. Success is a relative thing, though. What works for one person or family may not work for the next person.

Now, I’m not saying making a good living is a bad thing. I want to earn a decent living, to provide for my family, live comfortably, know that I can cover a major car repair or other unexpected event, take a vacation once in a while, and also splurge on frivolous things once in a while. I also want enough money to be able to give it away to people and causes that touch my heart and make me want to be a better person. I want time to be creative outside of work, to spend with my family, to read good books, take long walks, have deep conversations with friends old and new. Yes, I want things money can buy, and so much more that money has no bearing on.

The good news is: You get to decide. You get to define what success means to you and what you’re willing to pay for it. You are the person who needs to be comfortable and satisfied with the decisions you make and the actions you take each day.

In the book The Rhythm of Life, author Matthew Kelly encourages the reader to define what he or she wants from life. In fact, he says being able to answer that question is far more important than anything else he will write in the rest of the book, so put the book down and come back to it after you’ve figured it out…This is on page 12 of the book! I’ve shared this with quite a few people since I read it a few months ago, and I still don’t know if any of them have made it past page 12.

What does success mean to you?

What is it worth to you? What are you willing to give in exchange?

I encourage you to take the time to really think this through. Allow yourself the freedom to define it on your own terms; liberate yourself from the expectations and pressure of the outside world. Be true to yourself and those you love.

As many of us have probably experienced, if we don’t define it, someone will do it for us…and we will wake up one day, look around, and think: “How on earth did I get here? What is all this stuff? I didn’t want this…”

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Hope is not a strategy…make a plan!

Last night I was doing a little shopping. As I was making one of my purchases, the sales person asked me where I was from. I responded that while I live in West Virginia now, I am from Washington State. Unexpectedly, his eyes lit up and he asked where I had lived, claiming his dream was to move to Seattle…someday.

Make a plan, I said. Hope is not a strategy. Make a plan.

Do you have a dream? Do you have a goal you want to achieve…someday? What are you doing to make it your reality?

Here’s the thing…if you don’t make a plan, your plan, life has a way of making one for you. Or rather, life happens and it doesn’t always lead you where you want to go. People in your life will guide you in the directions they want you to go, which may be fun, interesting, adventurous even, but maybe not where you want to go.

How do you take control? It’s simple, really, but maybe not easy!

Make taking time out for reflection a priority, every day. Take the time to think about what you want from life, then map out a plan to achieve it. Then, of course, you must take the steps required to actually put your plan into action and start moving toward your dream.

You don’t have to see your whole dream in every detail, but if you can see enough of it to see the first couple of steps with clarity, it’s time to get moving. Don’t worry that you can’t see every step or whether you have all the resources you think you need to get there…just get started.

Do it afraid!

It’s amazing what will happen once you start. If you are truly passionate about what you’re doing, committed to making it happen, and tell people about your journey, you will be amazed at the people who step up to support you. You will get what you need along the way — whether it’s people, knowledge, a new skill, or any number of other kinds of resources.

But if you do nothing but hope, you will wake up one morning some years down the road and ask yourself, “How did I get here?” noting that where you ended up is not where you wanted to be. (Yes, Kyle from the Mac Store, this is for you! I will be watching for my postcard from your new home in Seattle.)

As my mentor, Paul Martinelli, says, “Do the thing, and you will get the energy to do the thing.”

Hope is not a strategy. Make a plan. The best day to get started is today.

What is your dream? What are you doing to make it your reality?

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