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This is not a dress rehearsal

YOLO. Surely you’ve heard this before today – You Only Live Once.

This simple fact is something that has been resident in my mind for some time, and I am fortunate to be reminded of it by others at varying intervals.

Take the chance meeting I had with a gentleman last August at the West Virginia State Chamber of Commerce Annual Business Meeting at the The Greenbrier Resort. There was an ice cream social on the agenda on the first day of the meeting.

Not one to miss a good hot fudge sundae (for me, this requires hand-dipped hard ice cream – no soft serve!), of course I stopped by one of the serving stations. I stood there for a few minutes pondering the level of bad manners I would be displaying if I picked up the bowl of hot fudge and asked the server to put a couple of scoops of vanilla into it, rather than ask for the ice cream and put some hot fudge on it. Finally, having allowed my better manners to prevail, I started to turn away, delicious dessert in hand, when I noticed the man who had come up behind me. His name tag indicated he worked for a private university system where a good friend also works. I used the opportunity to introduce myself. Little did I know it was a divine appointment in the making!

Having someone in common, and in need of a place to sit and enjoy our sundaes, we made our way over to a table and sat down to eat and chat. Three hours later, we were surprised to be interrupted by the banquet staff, needing us to relocate as they needed to reset the room for a dinner that evening.

It was a profound and interesting conversation as he shared his dreams, his longing to do something bigger and more meaningful than what his daily work amounted to, and his realization that time was passing quickly. “This isn’t a dress rehearsal,” he said, painfully aware that each day he puts off actively pursuing his dream of writing a book, the closer he is to the day when it will be too late. We’ve spoken several times since then, and I don’t believe he is any closer to getting started.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I’ve been listening to JoDee Messina this week. This morning, another song grabbed by attention as I was thinking about this concept of only living once. Here it is:

Was that My Life*

I don’t want to be the one who’s old before their time

And lose the wonder that I felt as a child

I can’t run this race believing I might lose

Still so much to see, so much left to do

Yes, I’ll fall more than I’ll fly

But no one can say I never tried

We just get one ride around the sun in this dream of time

It goes so fast, then one day we look back and we ask:

Was that my life?

I close my eyes and think how lucky I have been

To hold the ones I love and share my dreams with them

All those sunny days and all those starry skies

Good morning kisses and sweet goodnights

I can’t tell them enough just how much they are loved

We just get one ride around the sun in this dream of time

It goes so fast, then one day we look back and we ask:

Was that my life?

I appreciate these reminders, as they keep me focused on doing the things I need to each day, so I don’t need to worry about that day coming and being full of the “I wish I would have…” angst and disappointment. It’s a work in progress for me.

How about you?

What matters most to you?

What do you long to do?

What change do you want to make in the world?

Who do you need to reconnect with, make amends with?

What adventures do you yearn to go on?

Whatever it is, what do you need to do today to get started moving in the direction of your purpose, your future?

As the man said: This is not a dress rehearsal.

I encourage you to make the most of every day, knowing you will fall before you fly, but if you persist you will get there!

/by

Barriers, constraints, and beliefs — What’s holding you back?

Last week, faithful reader Amy asked me to elaborate on constraints and perception of self as relates to achieving goals. Thank you, Amy, for reading, commenting, and asking for me. Here are my thoughts. Let me know if this clarifies the concepts.

External Barriers

Have you heard of food deserts? Apparently, in some inner cities, there aren’t enough grocery stores and the ones they have are not conveniently located for all.  People who live in these areas are challenged to provide healthy meals for their families because if they don’t have a car, they have to rely on public transportation — or getting a ride from others — to get them to and from the grocery store. They are then limited in what they purchase based on what they can carry back easily and what will not start to spoil (frozen or refrigerated items) on the way home. In addition, they would need to plan menus in advance to ensure what they bought would be just what they would need in the coming days. There are, however, fast food restaurants and convenience stores. As you can imagine, for many in these areas, their nutritional intake is less than optimal. This is an example of an external barrier, created by forces outside us. It presents a challenge, but those who are committed to eating healthier food will find a way to overcome it.

Constraints

When my husband and I decided to start a family, we agreed we wanted one of us to be at home with our kids. We were in a position, financially, to be able to do this. We have a son, and my husband has been home with him since I returned to work after maternity leave about six years ago. This decision, while it has been great for us — and I wouldn’t do it differently given the opportunity, has created some constraints. Living on one income required us to be extra careful with how we spend money, not often buying high-priced items, and we don’t take elaborate vacations. This is an example of a self-imposed constraint, made with full awareness of what we were investing and sacrificing. And, at any time we can make a different decision about how we handle this area of our lives; we have that control.

Self-Limiting Beliefs

What you believe to be true about yourself is the single most powerful indicator of your success. As Henry Ford said, Whether you believe you can or you can’t, you’re right. These beliefs are formed very early in our lives, mostly based on what others tell us about ourselves and what we are capable of. After all, as you are a child growing up, surrounded by older and presumably (but not necessarily) wiser people, we believe what they say is true and possible; how are we to know otherwise?

Whether you believe you can or believe you can’t, you’re right.  — Henry Ford

I’m reminded of the movie The Help, set in 1962 Jackson, Mississippi. The main character, a black housekeeper named Abilene tells the story of the children she raised, as she cared for numerous white, well-to-do families over the years of her career. She made a point to tell the children each and every day, “You is smart. You is kind. You is important.” Poor grammar aside, she did this because she observed the children mostly being treated as an inconvenience by their parents, and she knew they could use all the positive reinforcement they could get. She wanted to implant those messages in their little brains, hopefully to counteract the negative messages they would inevitably hear from others as they grew up.

The same is true for the rest of us. If we hear a message often enough, especially from people who matter to us, we will begin to believe it, and it will begin to control what we accomplish.

This is the voice you hear in your head when you want to try something new, meet a challenge, take a giant leap into the unknown. The important thing is what is says to you. If it’s along the line of all the things you aren’t enough of…smart enough, fit enough, pretty enough, thin enough, wealthy enough, creative enough…or maybe all the things you are too much of…too heavy, too tall, too short, too slow, too shy, too inquisitive, too thin…you will struggle to rise above yourself and reach your goals. Truly, the lists of faults could be endless.

This is another reason why it’s so critical to surround yourself with people who love, support, and believe in you. People who will encourage you to reach for your dreams. People who will help you get back on track when you stumble. People who know and accept how amazing, talented, and gifted you are. After all, each one of us was created for a specific divine purpose.

Consider the real-life story of my mentor Paul Martinelli. Growing up in Pittsburgh, he stuttered. At the time, it was considered not a merely speech impediment, but a learning disability. People frequently told him he was stupid, incapable of learning, would never amount to much. He believed them…dropped out of high school. But over time, he continued to prove to himself he could do a lot of those things people said he never would, including overcoming his stutter because learning to recite a story flawlessly, and with humor, was the ticket to getting something he desperately wanted. He is a true entrepreneur, with big vision and he has made a name for himself, not just in the US, but internationally, as well. Today, he is well known in the personal development field and has worked with many of the other well-known leaders in the field. He is living proof that what you believe about your self can be a critical limiting factor, but when you learn to change your beliefs you can take on the world.

Pay attention to the voice in your head.

Be mindful of the way you talk to yourself, especially when you hit a speed bump.

Consider adopting this powerful phrase one of my mentors shared with me. Rather than assuming I was destined to not be good at certain things, he encouraged me to think more along this line: I was never good at __________ (fill in the blank), until now!

I was never good at ________________ (fill in the blank), until now!

What do you believe to be true about yourself?

What do you dream of and long for?

What’s holding you back?

What evidence do you have that you are “enough” of whatever it takes to achieve what you long for?

Take this challenge, right now — write down all your accomplishments — the ones you were confident you would achieve and the ones that surprised you. Then write down all of your failings. There are two key lessons with the second part — 1: What did you learn about yourself when you stumbled, and what did those lessons allow you to do when you got back up to try again; and, 2: What were the things you believed to be true about yourself that held you back from trying, again?

I’m confident, if you make an earnest effort at this exercise, you will be pleasantly surprised at how competent, talented, creative, accomplished you truly are!

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Becoming an intentional leader — Day 1 (month 1, week 1) Vision

Last May, I attended the Chick-fil-A Leadercast. It was a powerful event and food for my growth plan. I learned a number of lessons that day, and have been mindful to apply them over this past 8 months, and have shared a number of them with others. I purchased a number of books through the Leadercast and received a couple of additional benefits. One of them, a booklet called Intentional Leader, created by Giant Impact (the organization that runs the Leadercast every year). I rediscovered it last week while organizing my home office. It offers twelve months of lessons, broken out for a 5-day week (with prep work for weekends), with each month focused on a different topic. At the end of each day’s lesson is one or more questions, intended to help the reader dig deeper into their thought processes and beliefs.

I’m a couple of weeks past the start of the year, but there’s no time like the present to learn and grow. So, I’m starting today. Won’t you join me?

Month 1 is Vision; week one is Personal Vision; day one is…

Leading others well begins with leading yourself well. And without a strong personal vision driving your own leadership, even this task can prove difficult.

In the beginning, the first, most critical step towards becoming an effective leader is self-awareness. You must know your strengths and weaknesses. You must understand what it is you seek to achieve. Once you understand your vision, you must be able to articulate it. Then, you must reinforce your words with your actions. Hold strong against the people and forces you will inevitably encounter that will attempt to deter you from your path.

Envision yourself succeeding, and refuse to let failure deter your vision.

My personal vision is to continue to grow and to reach out to as many people as I can to share the gifts I’ve been given, adding value to whomever crosses my path along my journey. To that end, I’ve invested in myself in many ways throughout my life — classes, workshops, seminars, reading, gleaning wisdom from a variety of mentors, and surrounding myself with others who share my passion and are also on a growth journey. I’ve become a John Maxwell certified Coach, Trainer, and Speaker, and am building a business focused on helping others discover their passion, overcome self-limiting beliefs, develop and implement plans to reach their goals, and to realize their full potential.

I’ve got the beginning steps in place and I can see the next few I need to take, but I’m a long way from fully realizing my dream and my potential. But that’s ok, because I know it’s a journey and it will take me some time. This is the kind of work — for me at least — that comes so naturally and is so fulfilling, the idea of “retiring” doesn’t seem very appealing!

Question: What may be preventing you from confidently believing in your personal vision?

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