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Intentional Leadership — D1, W2, M2 — Relationships

This week we are going to explore the potential we see in others.

How familiar are you with the story of Helen Keller?
She was unable to see and hear, and consequently, to speak. As a child, her parents brought in a tutor, Miss Sullivan, to teach her.
Miss Sullivan turned out to be most creative, perhaps even unconventional, in her methods for teaching Hellen to learn letters and words. She tried to “sign” a pattern of letters into Helen’s hand, but Helen failed to grasp their meaning.
Finally, Miss Sullivan took Helen out to the water pump in the yard, and held her hand under the running water. In her other hand, Miss Sullivan drummed out the patterns of the letters of the word “water;” Helen stood transfixed, feeling the water run over one hand while he focused on the pattern of the letters being tapped out in her other hand. It was ingenious!
Helen’s progress in learning was quite accelerated; she mastered a complex vocabulary, eventually learning to write — both the standard alphabet and in Braille. She even learned to speak.
She went on to graduate from college, wrote fourteen books, traveled to numerous countries, met a number of world leaders and served as an Ambassador for the American Foundation of the Blind.
It’s a miraculous story; one that would never have happened had Anne Sullivan not been brought in to tutor Helen, and had she not recognized Helen’s potential. The moral of the story: When we see the value in others, we have an opportunity to help them achieve great things.
Think back over the course of your life. Who believed in you?
What did they do to encourage you to stretch and go farther than you may have thought possible?
How did they demonstrate their belief in you?
Had they not believed in you — or didn’t demonstrate that belief — what impact would that have had on your life?
Who have you seen unrecognized potential in?
What did you do to nurture its growth?
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Small Dog Wisdom — Part 3 — Courage

Further into Ed Gungor’s book, One Small Barking Dog, I encounter the section on Courage. This is big, isn’t it?

As defined by Merriam-Webster:

Courage:  mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty

Gungor states we need courage not only to face ordinary life, but to confront the places where we have been broken emotionally or psychologically. These kinds of experiences can be toxic and the residue has the power to poison our lives for many years to come…if we don’t do the work we need to do to get past them.

Exercising courage isn’t quick, easy, or painless. It takes a certain level of fortitude, persistence, and determination. And yet, millions of people demonstrate courage daily.

Others, however, choose to become the victim. This kind of thinking puts one in the place of believing that whatever happens to us has the power to determine who we will become. It can leave us believing that we have no control, no choices, no power to make different decisions. Certainly, we cannot control everything that happens to us in the course of our lives. We can, however, decide how we will respond to what happens. NOTE that I didn’t say “react.” I was very deliberate in my usage of “respond.”

Responding to a situation means we think about what has happened and what our options are in taking some action after. It allows us to consider the risks, benefits, implications, and consequences of our words and actions BEFORE we speak or take them. To simply react is to allow our emotions to take over and when we react, we often speak or act without thinking, and the results can be painful, dangerous, damaging, destructive to ourselves and others.

I was once very close to a person who chose to become a victim. According to him, everything in his life was the result of luck — mostly of the bad variety. He believed he was unable to influence the things going on around him. And the resignation of this position was quite damaging to him; I believe it lead to depression and despair. It was quite damaging to many of the relationships he claimed to hold dear. As the person on the outside looking in, it was very draining for me just being in proximity. Of course, the other side of this is that his belief is 180 degrees away from my belief.

I believe I have the power, ability, and responsibility for what happens in my life. Don’t misunderstand – I have no illusion of being in control of what happens. I believe I have the power to influence what happens. I have the ability to choose how I respond to what happens. And I take responsibility for the choices I make, the way I respond, and what I will do going forward.

I’m not saying I don’t have bad experiences, but the effects typically do not linger long. I find it wasteful to wallow. There’s much to be done and I’m not at my destination, yet, so I must get back up and keep moving forward.

I have been wounded, I have been broken, I have felt lost. But even after my most heartbreaking experiences, I have woken up the next morning to a new day and the realization that if I am, indeed, still here, there must be something I am meant to do…So, I get up and get moving.

Courage means we don’t bury the pain, the hurtful experiences, the negative voices in our heads; rather it means we must confront them. Bring them into the full light of day and see them fully. It’s not easy to get to the root of some of our most self-limiting beliefs, but we are well served to spend the time in reflection, get to some understanding, and commit to moving forward to becoming the best possible version of ourselves possible.

If you are feeling some pain, consider it a gift. It’s telling you something very important. If you listen to it, explore it, come to terms with it — face it with courage, you will emerge better for the experience on the other side.

As the small dog would do (and I witnessed my small dogs — Bean-dip and Houdini — do on more than one occasion), brace yourself; bare your teeth; growl if it makes you feel better; and face your life head on, with courage.

It’s worth it!

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Intentional Leadership – Month Two – Relationships

On Monday, we will begin month two of our intentional leadership journey. As has become the pattern, I will share thoughts and exercises with you Monday – Friday each week. The premise for month two is this: Relationships are the best indicators of a successful and satisfied life.

If you’ve been through some “personality” assessments, you may have been categorized as a “task-focused” person rather than a “relationship-focused” person. Earlier in my life, I was more task-focused. I believe it’s the result of having grown up in an unstable household, the circumstances of which lead me to believe that I could count on only myself, and it was much safer to not need people or allow them to get close; after all, they would only disappoint or hurt me.

Those beliefs and behaviors served me well for some time. I learned to be very responsible, independent, self-sufficient, able to learn nearly any skill I needed to get through life’s basic needs and challenges. But there came a time when those beliefs and behaviors became more of a detriment to me. My ability to expand my influence and ability to get work done was severely limited. I had alienated a lot of people.

Over time, and a lot of painful experiences, I learned that not only would I be able to accomplish more and do whatever it was better, but also my life would be much richer if I could develop healthy relationships with people. It was hard. It required me to let my guard down and admit that I couldn’t do it all myself, and it was ok to need people.

I won’t say it’s been a bed of roses ever since. I’ve made bad decisions about trusting some, and not trusting others. I’ve been hurt, more than once. But I’ve also come to really value the relationships I have developed and have a true understanding of the saying: No one of us is as smart as all of us. I truly am more productive, effective, and able to accomplish so much more by connecting with others and spreading the load. And it’s ever so much more satisfying.

I learned that I cannot lead if I am the only one…as they say, if you are by yourself, you are not leading, merely taking a walk!

I believe in the power of true connection which leads to synergy which results in something so much greater than the sum of its parts. However, I also know that this doesn’t just happen. Often, especially in business, you will find groups of people who toil under the illusion they are a team and are all working on the same thing. When you get into the thick of whom they are and what they are doing, however, you discover they are just a group of people who think they are a team…and the results they achieve are either equal to or less than what the individuals would accomplish alone.

True teams do not happen by accident. They take time, intention, and focus to build. But when they really come together, the outcomes can be amazing – significantly more than the sum of their parts.

As we prepare to start Week One of Month Two, take a few minutes to think about these things:

How are your strengths and weaknesses reflected in your relationships?

How have relationships throughout your life helped you to grow into a leader?

When have you put aside relational differences to pursue a shared goal?

What sacrifices have you made for the sake of a relationship?

I look forward to this next part of our journey. Please share your thoughts along the way.

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