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Gold or Platinum?

To follow the Golden Rule or the Platinum Rule?                       

We’re all familiar with the Golden Rule, right? You know the one: “Do unto others as you would have done unto you.” 

Simply put: Treat others the way you want to be treated. 

Sounds good, doesn’t it? But how does it really work in practice? 

Let’s consider a couple I once knew, Matthew and Katie. Katie is a stay-at-home-mom, who happens to be an extrovert. Katie spends a lot of time with small children during the day, with little substantive interactions with adults – which is how she recharges her batteries. Matthew works outside the home and happens to be in introvert; he enjoys being with people throughout the day but it drains his battery, so he needs time alone to recharge. 

When they are apart – during the work day or on the rare occasion when one of them gets away for some “alone” time – they follow the Golden Rule; each treating the other the way they want to be treated. Katie, looking to charge her batteries, calls Matthew frequently, just to check in and chat. Matthew, on the other hand, is less likely to call Katie when she has some alone time as he knows how much he values it when he has alone time. Both end up frustrated because they are getting what the other wants/needs, but not what they desire for themselves. 

So, what would change if they followed the Platinum Rule? It says: “Do unto others as they would have done unto themselves.” 

Do unto others as they would have done unto themselves.

Simply put: Treat others the way they would prefer to be treated – not the way you want to be treated.

The wise soul who coined this phrase recognized that “one size does not fit all”!

If Matthew and Katie were to practice the Platinum Rule, then Matthew would make a point to call and check in with Katie more often, knowing she needs more contact and wants to talk about what’s going on throughout the day, or what she’s up to when she gets to go out without the kids. Katie would recognize that Matthew needs more quiet time to himself, and wouldn’t call to check in as often or interrupt his alone time just to see what he’s up to while they are apart.

This change in behavior would require some thoughtful attention, because it would require each of them to step out of their comfort zone and focus on the needs of the other first, rather than to assume what they want is what the other wants, as well.

Take it one step further and consider how it might work at work or in organizations you are involved in. Take recognition for example. Some people crave public recognition for their accomplishments, others cringe at the thought and would prefer to do anything but be recognized publicly. If you aren’t aware of these preferences, you could make a stellar mistake and damage key relationships by making the wrong move. 

How would this awareness and change in behavior change the organizational dynamics and morale of your teams and companies? What if we could step outside ourselves more often and focus on what others need? 

It’s true: If you help others get what they want, they will be more willing and interested in helping you get what you want. It’s a key foundation for effective leadership.

What could you learn by practicing the Platinum Rule?

What relational dynamics could you change?

How much more satisfying could your work and personal lives be, if you practiced the Platinum Rule? 

I wonder…would love to hear your thoughts.   

—
Laura L. Prisc, Founder

Leadership & Life Potential, LLC
Helping you grow into your leadership and life potential…
304.916.0348
 
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Coach or Mentor?

I’ve been in corporate America for more than 22 years, now, and for a lot of that time I’ve heard a lot of people talk about providing coaching to other employees. I’ve also heard — and read — a lot about mentoring programs — both formal and informal.

While the discussions seem to be focused on the same preferred outcome — improvement in some level of a person’s performance, over time, I came to the conclusion that while people were using different terms — coach and mentor — they were really talking about the same activity. To wit, what they are really doing is advising, guiding, directing, sharing the benefit of their experience, and often saying things that sound like, “If I were you, I would…” In essence, they are talking about mentoring.

And there is absolutely a lot of value in mentoring people (or being mentored) when you have the opportunity. But mentoring is not coaching.

What’s the difference you might ask? There’s a world of difference, and here it is: Coaches don’t have all the answers and they don’t attempt to provide any! In fact, when I’m discussing coaching with people I tell them I don’t have any of the answers — at least not any of their answers — but I do have all the questions…questions that will help them find the answers — their answers.

You see, we function from different values, beliefs, and experiences. So, the decisions I make and actions I take will make sense for me within my paradigm. But they may be all wrong for you and because you will recognize this, you won’t likely act on my direction. If I can help you draw out the values, beliefs, fears, hopes, and whatever other factors are affecting your ability to make decisions and take actions, then I will be able to add more value.

Think about it; if I can help you come to the solution on your own, it will fit you better, and you will be significantly more likely to follow through than if I tell you what I think you should do. Based on experience, I think it will feel better, too.

I’m now on a bit of a mission to distinguish between coaching and mentoring. Again, not because one is inherently better than the other; it really depends on who you are, what situation you are facing, and how you want to approach finding a path forward. I simply want people to recognize there is a difference and to be able to recognize it when they see it.

And I admit I often function in both roles, sometimes with the same people on the same day! You see, I’ve been working in all areas of communication for more than 20 years, so I have a lot of experience in strategies and tactics one might want to use to communicate more effectively. So, I am absolutely qualified to mentor someone in this area. But you wouldn’t want me to mentor you in the area of finance, or scientific methods, or how to play a sport…or a myriad of other things.

At the same time, I’m qualified to coach people who are striving to achieve something in a number of areas in which I have no expertise whatsoever…remember, as a coach, my role is not to tell you how to do anything. My role is to truly listen to what you say, to observe how you say it, and ask you the kinds of questions that make you really think.

If you haven’t worked with a coach, I encourage you to try it. I promise, if you truly engage — and you find a true coach (not a mentor) — the experience will change your life. It’s a proven way to implement significant and lasting change.

Interested? I offer complimentary sessions.

What would you like to change?

How are you approaching it?

How will you know if the path you choose is the right one for you?

 

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Intent does NOT equal impact!

I’ve been teaching communication skills for ten years and this simple fact is one of the key lessons. My hope is for people to become more self-aware, to really think about what they want to accomplish and how they approach what they’re doing, so the impact (the outcome) of their actions is in fact what they hope to have happen.

Let’s consider a couple of examples:

It’s late evening and you are driving through the dark. There’s not a lot of traffic on the road, and to see better you have turned on your “brights.” As you travel along the road, somewhat lost in thought, your focus is pulled back in full to the road ahead, as there is a driver coming toward you in the opposite lane, flashing his brights at you, trying to capture your attention, so you will flip your lights back to normal.

If you are the oncoming driver, what’s the first thing you think?

“Jerk! What are you trying to do? Don’t you realize you are blinding me?”

If you are the “offending” driver, what’s the first thing you think?

“Oh!” you think, quickly flipping your lights back to normal. “I didn’t mean to do that. Sorry!” Wishing you could telepathically send this message to the oncoming driver, so they understand it was not your intent to temporarily blind them!

Here’s another, heart-wrenchingly harder example to consider, from an actual incident in the local news.

On September 1, a four-year old girl died in a car outside a day care center. As the story goes, the day care was owned by a husband and wife. On occasion, the husband would provide transportation for one of their clients, picking up a mother and child, dropping the mother off at a local university, and taking the child to the day care for the day.

On this particular day, for what is an incomprehensible reason (there has been no explanation given that I’m aware of), the man dropped the mom off, drove to the day care, and left the child in the car…for about seven hours, on a sunny, 89-degree day. The child was found dead in the car around 5 p.m.

Clearly, there is no way for us to know what he might have been thinking – or not thinking – as he arrived at the day care, went inside, and went about the business of his day. We have no way of knowing why no one in the day care asked about the child when he arrived without her. Having not been to the location, we have no way of knowing if there might have been someone outside who might have seen the girl in the car earlier in the day.

Of course, we are outraged that such a thing could have happened, and as we are not personally involved, will likely never know all of the things that happened that day, what the people may have thought or said or did. And yet, this story isn’t unique. We hear this kind of story more frequently than we’d like, with both children and animals paying the ultimate price.

We could easily jump into blame, anger, accusations, cries for justice, etc…Let’s stay focused now, though. We’re talking about intent. In both the situations described above, I think it’s safe to argue that neither of these people intended harm to another. The outcome – or the impact – of their actions, however, did in fact result in some negative impact to the others involved — to a very minor degree in the first case, and to a life-altering and inexplicably tragic degree in the second case.

Fortunately, most of our experiences will tend toward the less extreme end of the spectrum of potential outcomes. The key here is to understand the lesson — intent does not equal impact – and to be thoughtful about our words and actions. The goal is to be self-aware enough of how others may perceive and experience us, so that when we interact with others, we have a better chance of having what we intend to happen actually be what does happen.

What are you intending to do today? How might you approach it to ensure the outcome is positive?

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