Today’s episode is a reading of this previously published article, by the author and your host, Laura Prisc. Following is the text, although Laura may have strayed from it a time or two in the recording! Leave a comment and let her know what you think…
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but the long-term impact of that is likely far less significant than that from the words we use against each other!
Yes, I’ve taken some liberties with that old childhood chant, devised by some well-meaning adult, no doubt, and implanted in the minds of countless children across the globe as a talisman against hurt, pain, and suffering.
It sounds good. It sounds courageous and bold. It sounds like some killer verbal body armor! The problem is, it doesn’t work. I’m not saying that physical abuse in whatever form it takes – kids fighting on the playground or adults striking others later in life – is not harmful long-term.
I’ve just that I’ve come to realize bruises will fade and bones will heal (stronger than they were before, some say)… But words… harsh words, derogatory words, humiliating words, shaming words… those we tend to carry for decades (if not for a lifetime) and they are oh-so-painful and keep us smaller than we were intended to be.
“Dump & Go” Training Doesn’t Work
As I write this, millions of people around the globe are attending some variation of an Unconscious Bias or Implicit Bias or Inclusion & Diversity workshop and I wonder what the long-term, sustainable, real impact of that will be. Over the course of my several decades on the planet, I’ve learned what I’ve come to believe are some universal truths. One of them is that the “dump and go” method of training doesn’t work.
By that, I mean the half-day, or one-day workshop intended to infuse participants with insight, wisdom, and new behaviors that will fundamentally change how they think and how they show up and interact with others in some meaningful way. It doesn’t work. Sure, most attendees will say it was interesting or insightful. And one eager soul will extract a nugget or two of wisdom and will vow to use it to be different.
Unfortunately, when they return to their desk, they discover life continued while they were in the workshop and they have voicemails to listen and respond to, emails to read and address, and the everyday responsibilities they have, plus whatever new stuff accumulated while they were out. They have good intentions about using what they learned in the workshop, but they have to take care of all this other stuff before they can start…
No Reinforcement and it Simply Fades Away
And time passes, work continues to roll in and accumulate and for a while they remember they were going to try something new… but time gets away from them, the conversations and insights and wisdom from the workshop fade away. And they notice, maybe only at a subconscious level, that no one else who was in the workshop with them is doing anything different either. In that space, it’s easy to conclude it wasn’t really that important.
It was a box-checking exercise, one with good intent, perhaps… but one of the other universal truths I’ve learned is that Intent does NOT equal Impact! Simply intending to do something doesn’t make it happen. And when we do actually act, the impact of whatever action taken is not guaranteed to have the impact you intended or desired when you started.
And with the current rush to hold these various bias trainings, I believe the intent is positive. I also believe that most of us don’t really know how to get to the root of what’s going on and do something significantly different that can be meaningful, deep, and sustainable over time.
Deep Roots Begin to Form Even Before Birth
Fundamentally, I think the core of this issue is deeply rooted in our belief systems. The challenge here is that our belief systems are literally programmed into our subconscious during our most formative years of life, when we aren’t even able to question anything anyone tells us or that we are exposed to.
Science tells us that from the third trimester of pregnancy – when our brains are formed – until we are about age 7, we do not reason, question, or really actively think for ourselves. Our brains during that time are functioning primarily at Theta wave levels, which are ideal for learning. Essentially, everything we are exposed to, told, hear, see… goes right in and takes root as the truth of who we are, what we are capable of, who others are and what we can expect from them, and how the world works.
In most cases, this is done by well-meaning people, some of whom actually love us and want what’s best for us. Perhaps they are simply unaware of the real impact of what they are teaching us; perhaps they are merely passing along what was programmed into them from their formative years. Maybe it’s the erroneous thinking and conclusions we so often draw from life experiences when we don’t really have enough information to understand what’s really going on.
Deconstructing the Myths that Mislead Us
However it happens, many of our core beliefs are planted within our subconscious at a very early age. Consider these statements for example:
- Money doesn’t grow on trees.
- Money is the root of all evil.
- The early bird gets the worm.
- Good things come to those who wait.
- Practice makes perfect.
I teach an actual lesson on these kinds of myths and sayings, so I won’t get into dissecting each of these statements in depth, but I’m confident if you contemplate them separately and thoughtfully, even for just a short amount of time, you’ll start to see the loose threads and faulty thinking behind them.
The result of all this is preferences, bias, prejudices, and judgments.
What Does it All Really Mean?
From this list, the least negative sounding is preference, which is to have a greater liking for one thing over another. It sounds fairly harmless; maybe it’s even a good thing – to be able to articulate one’s preferences. It could be as simple as, “I prefer vanilla over chocolate ice cream.”
A bias is defined as: Prejudice in favor of or against one thing, person, or group over another, usually in a way to be considered unfair.
Prejudice is defined: Preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience.
Judgment is: An opinion or conclusion.
What they all have in common is that they are not based on facts, rather on perception and personal interpretation. They evoke intense and sometimes destructive emotion and acting out.
Of the four, I think it’s reasonable to say that preference, bias, and judgment could be helpful shortcuts with respect to some things. When we develop or hold a preference or favor for one thing over another, it can make decision-making faster and easier.
For example, if I prefer coffee over tea, that makes it faster when ordering in a restaurant. If my opinion (judgment) is for X-Car Manufacturer over Y-Car Manufacturer, then I need visit only one car dealer if I’m looking for a new vehicle. If I am biased in favor of Dijon style over plain yellow mustard, there are specific options I would choose from and others I would ignore while grocery shopping.
Emotional Intelligence is Key
If I have some degree of emotional intelligence and understand that holding different preferences, opinions, or biases doesn’t make either of us a bad person, we might engage in a lively discussion about the merits and shortcomings of each of those things, but it’s not as likely to devolve into a heated exchange the same way a conversation about prejudice will (at least, that is assuming we are relatively level-headed individuals who can make space for different perspectives and are willing to entertain new ideas).
We can walk away from this knowing that it’s not a big deal, and what difference does it make if I really love Elvis’ music and you think it’s terrible? Many of these kinds of preferences, opinions, biases are inconsequential in the bigger picture. We can consider the ideas and not make it an indictment of the person.
Prejudice is faulty by its very definition. It is “not based on reason or actual experience.” And when it is generalized to cover entire communities or groups of people, it’s prone to shift into the space of heated, irrational, emotional arguments. And as we’ve seen of late, they move quickly into violence, which escalates to more violence and destruction; not healing.
In any of the above-mentioned scenarios, we would both be aware of our preferences, biases, opinions/judgments. They roll off our tongues daily, and multiple times daily. Again, most of the time without any consequence of significance.
The problem is that while we may be aware enough to state them, we are often unable to actually explain reasonably why we hold them to be true and where or how we acquired them; this is especially the case with prejudice. It’s not based on reason or actual experience therefore, it’s conjectured, made up, or fed to us and we accepted it without questioning its validity.
It isn’t Unconscious; It’s Unexamined!
This is why I believe our real issue is not unconscious bias, rather UNEXAMINED BIAS! We have not done the work to explore, excavate, and examine these beliefs, ideas, and prejudices we hold and give voice to.
Based on experience with a number of coaching clients, what I’ve discovered through facilitating this in-depth and deeply personal work is that sometimes we uncover beliefs/ideas/prejudices that turn out to not make any sense to us at all. Once we are aware, we can release them… and perhaps replace them with something known to be true for us, because we’ve actually had the experience and can articulate why we believe it.
Sometimes, what we uncover is a belief/idea/prejudice that we conclude is partially true, but needs some revision based on our current awareness. In that case, we fine-tune to articulate something new that makes sense to us.
In other cases, we uncover beliefs/ideas/prejudices that – based on our actual experience and reason – make perfect sense, are true for us, and we decide to retain them.
Peel Back the Layers to Discover the Source
The key is to do the work so that when we state an opinion, we can articulate what it means to us and how we came to believe it. The next step is to seek to understand others… To engage in a curiosity-driven conversation fueled by the desire to understand how another person experiences life, beliefs they hold and why, and perhaps find some common ground. If no common ground emerges, at least we would be exposed to new ideas and have a deeper understanding of the experiences and perspectives of others we share our planet with.
In addition to this in-depth personal exploration process, it’s important to recognize that this kind of work – real, meaningful, life-changing, thought-provoking, sustainable change – doesn’t happen during or as the result of a one-day or half-day workshop. We’ve accumulated, added to, and reinforced a lot of erroneous thinking over decades. This kind of work requires process and application over time.
This kind of work requires ongoing examination, exploration, discussion, and contemplation. It can be done 1:1 or in small groups. It requires a willingness to look deep inside and actively work with what we discover, even if what we discover is ugly, painful, and hurtful. It requires someone we can trust who will hold a mirror up for us so we can actually see who we really are and how we show up. It requires a willingness to offer grace and compassion – even if only to ourselves. It requires a willingness to forgive, and to offer space for ourselves, and others, to be smarter tomorrow, to be better tomorrow. It’s easier with a tested and proven roadmap to follow, as well as insightful tools and exercises to increase clarity and understanding along the way.
Taking Personal Responsibility and Intentionally Growing
And finally, it requires the courage to say we’ve been wrong and want to improve, to ask for forgiveness and receive it, to offer forgiveness and release resentments. It requires the willingness to actually do something instead of talking in circles about it. It requires us to take personal responsibility for our thoughts, behaviors, and actions… and to understand that the words we use against each other – the names we call others, the derogatory terms we inflict on whole populations of people (we’ve likely never met nor interacted with) – are truly, deeply painful and harmful. And I would be willing to bet any amount of money that not one of us would want to be on the receiving end of even a fraction of the abuse we so easily throw out at others without really thinking it through.
We are on the precipice of a whole new way of life; the current situations we are living through – brought on by COVID and continuing social and racial injustices – are inviting us to become something new. We have the opportunity right now to shape what is to come, who we will be, and how we will treat each other and our planet.
And each and every one of us has a choice to make as individuals. Who will you choose to be? What part will you play in what’s unfolding now? What will you do with the power you wield through your words and actions?
